I hope all my conspiracy theory—loving readers will put on their tinfoil helmets before they read any further. Their brains may explode and ruin a perfectly good computer monitor if they don't, once they absorb the information contained below.

The Media Fund, headed by Harold Ickes, and spawned and supported with the help of George Soros, is running two new commercials showing pictures of George Bush with members of the Saudi Royal Family, and alluding to nefarious implications of a cover—up of Saudi involvement in 9/11. Corrupt personal financial relationships between the Saudis and the Bush family, you see, have caused President Bush to suppress results of an investigation, and explain why Saudi Royals were allowed to leave America after the fall of the Twin Towers. These are some of the same theories, of course, propounded in Michael Moore's cinematic screed, Fahrenheit 911.

Of course, the allegations of a conspiracy involving the President George W. Bush and the Saudis have never rested very easily with the other major conspiracy theory bandied about: that a 'neo—con' (code word for Jewish) cabal is controlling American foreign policy, for Israeli ends. All the 'chickenhawk' Jewish advisors are allegedly callously shedding the blood of American soldiers (as if Jews are not Americans, or soldiers, either) in the service of  'foreign interests.'

But the Saudis hate Israel and Jews, even more than they hate the other infidels, so how the Bush family can simultaneous serve both 'masters' remains a puzzle the conspiracists have not yet figured out. But they are working on it, and I am fairly certain the answer will involve supernatural levels of sophistication on the part of the Jews, including the ability to accurately predict the next seven moves of their opponents on the global chess board.

One of the 'gotcha' pieces of evidence marshaled by the Media Fund is contained in this bit of narration from one of the commercials: 

"The Saudi royal family. Wealthy, powerful, corrupt, and close Bush family friends. The Saudis have invested tens of millions of dollars in Bush business ventures. Rich Saudis bailed out George W. when his oil company went bust."

But today the New York Sun reports that among the investors in George W. Bush's former oil company, Harken Energy, was none other than George Soros himself. While one may speculate that Soros's bad financial outcome may have left him bitter, and thus a permanent enemy of W, experienced conspiracists know that it is never that simple.

Let's see: George Soros, the ethnically (reportedly non—observant) Jewish currency speculator, backed George W. Bush with an investment. In conspiracy—land, that means that he 'controls' George W. Bush (see commercial narration above). That could well mean that he is in cahoots with his fellow investors, the Saudis. That would mean a truly vast and ultra—secret Saudi—Jewish alliance, to manipulate the rest of the world for unknown, but obviously monumental goals. Such goals may, in fact, be beyond the comprehension of ordinary non—Jewish, non—Saudi mortals.

So the 'neocons' were in league with the Saudis all along! And the whole War on Terror/liberation of Iraq effort is merely a distraction, a charade, to cover up the real story. Whatever that is. My brain hurts already.

But wait! Then, how do we explain George Soros's attacks on Bush? After all, as his financial backer (in league with the Saudis), he must actually want Bush to win.

The answer is obvious to anyone who has ever read a few conspiracy theory books. George Soros is backing 527 groups which sponsor advertising so hateful that they will discredit themselves, and drive voters away from Kerry. Think about the 527 group TV commercial which showed an American soldier holding his gun aloft, in the classic surrender posture. That's an image which remains seared — seared — in my mind. What could be more repulsive to ordinary Americans? It is implanting the idea that a vote for Kerry is a vote for surrender. Oh, that wily Soros!

The more outrageous the accusation, the more unfair the innuendo, the better to alienate the majority of Americans, who are decent people and believers in fair play. Carville, Begala, Lockhart, et. al. are just the personnel for this job.

Heading up the Media Fund is Harold Ickes, a Hillary Clinton minion from way back. A Kerry victory would mean deferring a Hillary run for President until she is collecting Social Security, and runs the risk of an alternative Democratic machine taking away power from the likes of Ickes, McAuliffe, and other Clintonistas. So it is really a Hillary—Bush—Jewish—Saudi alliance. I'm sure the freemasons are in here somewhere, too. But I am going to have to find a bucket of water to cool off my head now.

Beware: nothing is what it seems. Poor John Kerry. He never knew what hit him.