The Onion is getting serious competition from the bureaucrats at the Department of Energy, who obviously have too much time on their hands.  Jennifer Pompi of the Washington Times reports:

How scary are your jack-o’-lanterns? Scarier than you think, according to the Energy Department, which claims the holiday squash is responsible for unleashing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere.

Most of the 1.3 billion pounds of pumpkins produced in the U.S. end up in the trash, says the Energy Department’s website, becoming part of the “more than 254 million tons of municipal solid waste (MSW) produced in the United States every year.”

Municipal solid waste decomposes into methane, “a harmful greenhouse gas that plays a part in climate change, with more than 20 times the warming effect of carbon dioxide,” Energy says.

It is true that every living thing on planet earth eventually decomposes and releases methane. The ultimate solution would be to sterilize the planet, making sure that no life exists. Maybe coat the planet in Roundup? If you are against methane, you are against life itself.

These Energy Department scolds emit carbon dioxide every time they breathe. Has anyone told them? Perhaps they might want to hold their breath. If they really believe this kind of nonsense of about global warming, which has rudely been “pausing” itself for the past 18 years, perhaps they will set a good example for the rest of us and just stop breathing entirely, as moral exemplars of the new utopia.  At least taxpayers would no longer have to cough up their fat salaries, perks and retirement benefits that way.  

Hat tip: Clarice Feldman

Photo credit: Decorated pumpkins sit on the steps of a home on North Carolina Avenue SE in Washington, D.C., Wednesday, Oct. 31, 2012. (Rod Lamkey Jr./The Washington Times