Satire

While Barack Obama’s recent telephone conversation with Russian president Vladimir Putin about the Crimean standoff has been widely reported, the exact substance of the discussion has remained a mystery.

That is, until now.

Owing to highly placed confidential sources, I’m pleased to report that I have become privy to some of the details of their talk. What follows are the top ten things Putin said to Obama:

10. Look, the Ukrainians have a country; they didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen.

9. I’m just fulfilling the dreams from my father.

8. I can’t help myself; I’m a typical white person.

7. For the first time in my adult lifetime, I’m really proud of your country.

6. Yes, we can.

5. No, you can’t.

4. No matter how this turns out, Barry, I’ll R-S-P-E-C-T you in the morning.

3. I promise never to threaten any of your 58 states.

2. If I had a new province, it would look like Ukraine. 

And number 1…

• If you like your foreign policy, you can keep your foreign policy.

The president reportedly was somewhat befuddled after the conversation and told an aide, “When does persuasion become invasion? I don’t know, that’s above my pay grade.” Meanwhile, Putin is said to have explained to a close advisor, “I figured that after his election, I’d have more flexibility.”

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