I’m “confused and bewildered,” and here’s why: Does Michelle Obama think I’m stupid, or is she the stupid one for believing that intelligent, capable women are “defeated” by grocery shopping?

Moreover, should the wife of the person responsible for launching a health exchange website that really does have Americans, both male and female, “confused and bewildered” at best, and more likely totally “defeated,” really be teaching anyone about how to maneuver through 10 straight aisles and the perimeter of a grocery store?

Then why stop there?  There must be loads of things Michelle could teach.  How about addressing the bewildering dilemma of flossing our teeth?  Surely, the first lady could share shoe-tying techniques. Hospital corners on the bed, anyone? 

Personally, of all the Meddling Michelle annoyances, dictating to American women how to grocery shop has got to be right up there with her unsolicited breastfeeding initiative and her recommendation that women who need to know where every restroom is within a five-mile radius of home “Drink Up.”

If Michelle wants something to be confused and bewildered about in a grocery store, she should try finding an English-speaking clerk, or a cart without a bum wheel, or locating a deli line where, after waiting 45 minutes, some nudnick in a paper hat neglects to wave salami at you and ask if you’d like to sample a slice.

If I may be so bold, when was the last time Michelle Obama squeezed into a parking space at Sam’s Club, avoided a pothole in the parking lot, grabbed a shopping cart handle covered in e coli and headed for the ‘Please don’t squeeze the Charmin’ aisle? 

Nonetheless, in the White House kitchen, as an army of personal chefs creamed Michelle’s no-cream creamed spinach, the first lady held court, encircled by enlargements of the new nutrition labels soon to be on all the packages lining the shelves of America’s confusing and bewildering grocery stores. 

Mrs. Obama introduced new labels that will assist the “confused and bewildered” in the purchasing of healthy food. Because after all, how else will American women know that an apple is a healthier choice than two sleeves of Cookie Dough Oreos?

The size of the labels flanking Mrs. Obama were rivaled in size only by the colorful MyPlate Michelle unveiled in 2011, when she attempted to dictate what, where, and how much food Americans should position on their plates.

Walking her audience through an imaginary shopping experience, Michelle said: “So there you stood, alone in some aisle in a store, the clock ticking away at the precious little time remaining to complete your weekly grocery shopping, and all you could do was scratch your head,” perhaps because you’re infested with lice from taking heads-together selfies with total strangers.

You’re “confused and bewildered,” and after quelling the terror of losing your perfectly accessible and affordable health insurance, you focus long enough to “wonder, is there too much sugar in this product?” Or more realistically, “Can I afford baby food and still cover my quadrupled Obamacare premium?” 

Michelle talked of women pondering, “Is 50 percent of the daily allowance of riboflavin a good thing or a bad thing?” Well, it’s a bad thing, especially for those recently kicked off their health care plan.

Expressing what shoppers are surely wondering, FLOTUS asked, “How on Earth could this teeny little package contain five whole servings?”  But what’s really confounding Americans is how 40-hour paychecks end up so small.

The first lady told shoppers what they think, saying, “This stream of questions and worries running through your head when all you really wanted to know was, should I be eating this or not?”

No, all anyone really wanted to know was how long the torture of listening to this sort of drivel is going to plague this nation.

Michelle believes that “unless you [have] a thesaurus, a calculator, a microscope, or a degree in nutrition, [you’re] out of luck.”  Talk about “confused and bewildered,” would someone please explain what in God’s name this woman is talking about? Wouldn’t one assume that if a grownup veered down the snack aisle toward the Snyder’s Bacon Cheddar Pretzel Pieces they would be fully aware of what they were about to do?

Not according to Michelle Obama! She thinks Americans buy junk food because we can’t understand what the labels are telling us. 

That’s why, according to the first lady, shoppers feel “defeated” and give up and go back to “buying the same stuff” that we unhealthy Americans bought before Michelle Obama took it upon herself to harangue the living daylights out of us about our food choices.

Mama Obama says: “As consumers and as parents, we have a right to understand what's in the food we're feeding our families. Because that's really the only way that we can make informed choices -- by having clear, accurate information. And ultimately, that's what today's announcement is all about.”

Dollars to donuts, oops, sorry, greenbacks to gluten-free crackers, Michelle Obama doesn’t feel that way when it comes to women understanding and then making informed choices with the help of a sonogram prior to having an abortion.

So once again, duplicitous double standards reign supreme as another progressive know-it-all attempts mind control by planting the idea that without the direction of the woman in the $12K party dress, grocery shopping makes American women “confused…bewildered…[and]…defeated.”

revision: omitted reference to Vitamin B-2

Jeannie hosts a blog at www.jeannie-ology.com