An Inconvenient Invoice

By Matthew May

Dear Al,

I really hate to bother you again. It's been about a year since I last wrote you. As you may recall, I invoiced you for the purchase of a brand new snow blower that I purchased at Sears. I must say I am somewhat surprised I never heard back from you.

I had given away the snow blower I previously owned after reading your fascinating book, watching your amazing motion picture, and watching in awe as you lectured about global warming on the citadel of scientific inquiry, The Oprah Winfrey Show. However, I had to make the emergency purchase as an onslaught of snow and cold descended upon Michigan. Not only did the snow blower help out during that storm, but also the subsequent snows which finally melted away, so it seems, a short time before Mother's Day.

Because you were second in command of the most ethical administration in history (though you sure are getting a run for your money these days, right?) and are such an upstanding, honest man who has reaped untold fortune from your climate message, I knew you would understand and pay the consideration for your part in my ditching what was once necessary equipment.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not angry with you. I realize you must be inundated with such requests from people all over the country, especially the Midwest. In addition, I have noticed how much air travel you have logged spreading the message of global warming all over the world. As if that were not enough, and as if your literary and cinematic genius were not cultural gifts of invaluable magnitude, I see you are now a poet of great merit, as evidenced by the stanzas that make up "One Thin September Soon." Allow me to share with you my favorite lines:

"Vapors rise as

Fever settles on acid sea

Neptune's bones dissolve

Snow glides from the mountain

Ice fathers floods for a season

A hard rain comes quickly"

Your concluding lines are so poignant:

"The shepherd cries

The hour of choosing has arrived

Here are your tools"

Simply put, sir, you are a gift to humanity.

So please consider this note a friendly reminder. For your convenience, I have also attached an invoice to this letter, which will cover the inordinate bags of ice melting crystals I have purchased in anticipation of the latest snowstorms to come my way today and tomorrow. Not only are we going to get many inches of snow here in southeastern Michigan, temperatures are going to hit the teens. You wouldn't want those of us who eschew automobiles in order to save the planet to slip on the ice and snow of the sidewalks, would you?

When cutting the check, simply add the cost of the crystals to the snow blower. As you no doubt understand, the hour of choosing has arrived, and I must reluctantly choose tools that can remove snow and ice.

Well, Al, I hope you and Tipper stay warm in your eco-friendly house there in Tennessee with the thermostat set low. It's good to know that not only are you a brother-in-arms in this momentary aberration before global warming melts us all, but a brother-in-scarves, gloves, hats, etc., etc. Keep the faith, brother! Until next time...

Your friend,

Matt