- Satire -

Word is out that the National Review, known as the soul of intellectual conservatism since its founding 60 years ago by conservative icon William F. Buckley Jr., is planning to endorse Hillary Clinton for President. According to a possibly informed source claiming to be close to the magazine’s editorial board and demanding anonymity, assuming that businessman Donald Trump is crowned the Republican nominee at the upcoming convention in Cleveland, National Review will release a special issue which is already in preparation (see cover illustration) emblazoned with “We’re Ready Now!” echoing the “Ready for Hillary” campaign slogan.

The issue, which parallels the infamous “Against Trump” broadside the Review published in January, will feature 22 distinguished conservative writers and thinkers (see below) arguing that Mrs. Clinton is not a candidate as antithetical to conservatism as she has been portrayed. 

The endorsement will mark the first time since the magazine’s founding that it has thrown its weight behind the Democratic nominee for the Oval Office.

According to our source in the magazine’s head offices, the lead article penned by “The Editors” includes the following explanation:

This magazine has frequently differed with the Clintons and their philosophy of social levelling and judicial activism, their radical anti-life policies and their support, pace Bill Clinton’s famed State of the Union Address, for big government activism. We have also been stalwart critics of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s less than stellar handling of international crises in Northern Africa and the Middle East and her comical “reset button” which at best was an encouragement for increased adventurism from Putin’s Russia.

But conservatism properly understood goes beyond the dichotomy between socialism and the free market or between libertinism and Judeo-Christian values. Conservatives seek to respect and maintain the enduring elements of the past and are averse to sudden, radical change for any ideology. Whatever the blemishes on Hillary Clinton’s record and character have been, no one has called her brand of governing “disruptive.”

Our 11 million undocumented employees will not, under Hillary, be threatened with deportation. Radical solutions for preserving Western Civilization by taking the unprecedented step of recognizing Islam as the source of Islamic terror will not be the modus operandi of the Clinton II White House. Productive relationships between interest groups and governing entities will not be decimated by paving over K Street to make way for a new factory for under-educated workers.

We consider that three or even four Supreme Court Justices chosen from the ranks of fanatical social justice warriors will be a small price to pay for these preservations of our past and present.

The source at the magazine added that while the wealthy supporters of the National Review have, for reasons of raw self-interest, pushed the against-Trump message at the publication (and several others), nevertheless the editors are all organically aligned with that message on their own. Speaking in a soft voice the source said: “Look, these people have psychologically painted themselves into a corner anyway. They didn’t need any big bucks to tell them to take this final leap.”

Inquiries for comment from the editors and the publisher of the National Review have gone unanswered.

In a related development it appears that, immediately following the Republican convention and the release of the “We’re Ready Now” issue, the Review and essentially all of its staff writers, editors and publisher will embark on their annual cruise – with this year’s destination being Tierra del Fuego. Paying guests will be able to enjoy the ocean air, the fine cuisine and activities like shuffle board and Parcheesi with their intellectual favorites and return just in time for Christmas. As of this writing reservations are still available.

Table of Contents – “We’re Ready Now” issue, National Review

1. Glenn Beck – Chill out, the Constitution will survive
2. David Boaz – Finally ramming comprehensive immigration reform down their throats
3. L. Brent Bozell III – Hillary might walk with us if we ask her nicely
4. Mona Charen – We aren’t going to have access anyway, so go Hill!
5. Ben Domenech – Hillary will embrace our Madisonian inheritance and reject Obama’s authoritarianism
6. Erick Erickson – I wanted to be in this issue too
7. Steven F. Hayward – Searching for Hillary’s inner Reagan
8. Mark Helprin – At least Hillary knows who Brittany Spears and Ozzy Osbourne are
9. William Kristol – Never known Hillary to be vulgar
10. Yuval Levin – Time to abandon our skepticism
11. Dana Loesch – Hillary used to be a Goldwater Girl and I don’t believe her conversion.
12. Andrew C. McCarthy – Hillary dazzles with names of obscure foreign leaders
13. David McIntosh – Outsourcing our way to prosperity with Clinton
14. Michael Medved – At least Hillary isn’t blustery and mean-spirited
15. Edwin Meese III – Ronald Reagan was a great President
16. Russell Moore – At least Hillary doesn’t lie about wanting to kill babies
17. Michael B. Mukasey – Intelligent suggestions for dealing with Islam from Hillary
18. Katie Pavlich – I wanted to be in the club too
19. John Podhoretz – Oy vey! I can’t believe I’m doing this
20. R.R. Reno - Hillary Clinton is a principled public figure
21. Thomas Sowell – (psst…don’t tell anyone, but actually I am supporting Donald)
22. Cal Thomas – Hillary loses the narcissism battle and gets my vote.